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these past nights in dreams and nightmares
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these past nights in dreams and nightmares Mabe i finally found what I am looking looking for where as I have been chatting with her when she has the time where as I enjoy chatting with friends as well ... What happened to me out on the range still haunts me where I have my friend yelling in one ear for me to fight my way back to her and my stepfather laughing as he tried to murder me ... Yet when it comes to the heart of the matter I do ask myself why I am still alive where as I stare at the wall at times seeing nothing but darkness and hearing the voices of my past of which will be with me for the rest of my days ... the other day I tried to walk to the store making it to the end of the block only for my hip to pop and my right leg almost dragging while limping back home as I cussed out in anger ... if he was still alive I'd kill him again is a matter of words that came out of my mouth as I remember how I got that limp that i walk with and also remember my sister of which is dead to me as she took part in them plots to murder me ... At the time I am so mad that I want to strangle my sister and throw her down that hole in the ground leaving her there to face what is in my nightmares where as she is still vowing revenge on me since she was released from the treatment center where as she spent her time on the phone looking for someone else to deal with me ... What angers me even more is the fact that I have limited movement of my body and can not control my mood swings as it slams back and forth til I want to die as I feel that shame from with in my spirit .. There are a lot of things that are said about me at times by people that were not even there and by those that believe a friend of mine had no right to help me when everything went sour as I was caught in a little war that I was never ment to win ... One might say that I fought my little Viet-Nam by fighting back against a man that was insane where as it will be with me as long as I live .. The teacher to get full information put me on trial with my friend speaking for me and another one speaking against me during that trial where i was brought up on war crimes ... In the end I was cleared of the charges accept for the charge if calling the teacher a bitch where as someone told my friend that I was dead and could not let that friend feel the pain of that ... When the county to the south of me dropped the charges against my stepfather setting him free the man started to stalk me and taunt me in every way he could think of where as in 1999 he called me on the phone at night to get me thinking of what might happen to those that helped me when I was growing up .. There are times when I feel like that waiting to die along with the anger that come along with it where I will wake up in the night screaming as the nightmares get out of control as ever blow is felt .. In 1991 under the watchful eyes of the Navy as they ran their tests it must of been the early hours of the morning when I was checked over not knowing my name or what year it was calling myself by my other name given to me by this county and only seeing the darkness of my world where as it was ruled as post traumatic shock with the ruling that i was leaving .... In there I received the rank of fireman and assigned to an aircraft ship in the gulf where a yellow ribbon was awarded ... these days I don't speak of them days much where my last post was a guard where someone had to take that post and it was myself ... Yet in turn I received no treatment that mattered til I was taken to the treatment center spending holidays there in 1999 where the doctor looked over the report and said that it was not truthful even though the statements were made by people that were there ... In the end as of about 2008 the old file was reopened by a teacher and a county officer telling one of the most bone chilling tales of terror where names and locations of people who made statements were listed as that information was turned over to my stepfather and his friends ... When it came to my anger a few people in the county up here finally could see the reason for that anger where a few close friends did their own investigation seeing how far these plans of revenge went ... This past year of 2009 the county made me a promise that things would go no further then they already had and as long as I held my temper no more trips to the treatment center would be made by myself ... As long as I live I will have a home in this county where as I will not loose my home as my sister of which is dead to me will be delt with in the coming years as people are starting to see that she is evil ... There are a few things that need to be worked on in the coming years where some of my stepfathers friends are still watching for their chance to murder me while it has been shown that my stepfather and my sister had a twisted love affair behind my mothers back ... Over the year as they watch from the shadows there are still those that watch over me as they did when I was a and a few close friends that check on me when they can ... |
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4/11/2009 2:42 pm |
wow keeping hunny am soo sorry....come to me and i promise to help you fight the demons..you know i got ya back darlin anytime you need me just holler.i will come running armed with everything i got to help you babe.always ya know it hugs and alot of kisses carol
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